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A Common Dating Error

July 3, 2013

There’s one mistake that you’re making which may hurt your chances at a relationship and land you square in the friendzone. The blunder?

Giving away your interest too soon.

This is problematic from multiple angles. From her end, you have effectively eliminated any challenge or excitement she would gain from the courtship process. Depending on how eager you are, your interest might even be (correctly) interpreted as desperation.

If you give away your interest too quickly, then you have a far greater problem on your hands: neediness. Your focus in the first meetup should not be on trying to get her, but rather on getting to know her. This means you’re not over-eager to schedule a meet-up or willing to drop everything of importance for a date.

Be aware that this isn’t a “game” or some show you put on to look more attractive. You should actually have standards. You should actually prioritize your view of yourself over her view of you. Might I remind you of Mark Munson’s “Filter Switch”:

“The best way I can describe the experience of non-neediness is by something a student of mine once described as “The Filter Switch.” What he meant by it is that suddenly one night he went on a date with a girl and realized that instead of sitting there and focusing on meeting her standards, as he had for years and years prior, now he was sitting there and evaluating whether she met his standards or not. Whether she was good enough for him had become far more important to him than trying to be good enough for her.”

Develop a set of standards with which to evaluate someone. Ask yourself questions such as “is she a good person? Is she right for me? Will she add to me or subtract from me? Do I like her?”  Base them off your standards for a mate. This will take the pressure off you and place the perspective where it should be: from your view of her.

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3 Comments
  1. Great advice! But I am still so glad that I’m already married.

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