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Your Turn to Move

December 15, 2011

“A couple of friends and I have been trying out eHarmony. In an effort to the let the men lead, I’ve been waiting for my matches to initiate contact before entering into a conversation with them. The trouble is that there are two or three who’ve intrigued me from their profile, but they have not contacted me. After two or three weeks, I wonder if I’ve just gotten lost in the list of matches that accumulate over time. Would it be helpful to them to just drop an ice breaker or initiate a conversation?”

Perhaps the most overlooked concept by women is male initiation without approach.


A woman can be “turned on” by a man who exhibits a certain attitude, who demonstrates a certain skill about himself, or even who makes a certain type of eye contact with her. In essence, the aforementioned male is the proverbial fisherman, who tosses out his line and sees who takes the bait.


The kind of waiting game proposed above is antithetical to the writer’s goal: connecting with the other individual. You won’t magically appear on his radar, nor will he get a sudden urge to message you because you haven’t messaged him like the rest. After all, this type of man that you’re after is likely preoccupied with his hobbies, focused healthily on himself (and not on an online profile), and not to mention, is messaged by plenty of other women who are also intrigued. In short, he’s in tune with himself and his own value. The question is: why should he message you first? You wouldn’t wait for a big celebrity at his premiere event party to approach you, would you? (a stretch, of course, but hopefully the point is clear).


Of course, you have value, and of course you are one of a kind, your own person. The relevant point is that you have been intrigued by this person, and you have an opportunity to connect with him. So drop him a line. Tell him why you’re intrigued, or just open a casual line of conversation and let him figure it out. If he’s interested, then he’ll take the lead from there.


Much like good-looking women, men with high value rarely have to approach.






From → Practical Steps

  1. I think it’s the wrong idea to expect the girl to be pro-active(initially).Much better chance if the guy opens first(online or in person),attract her,then let her re open in future messages.

    Good point too with the celeb’ reference.The woman would have to be the one to go up and open(I doubt she would though).

    • I agree that the guy should initiate. Yet I see the strongest initiation a guy can do is create the life that he wants, one filled with purpose and satisfaction. Women will find this attractive and will throw off ‘signals’ of attraction, to which he may notice.

      You’re right that women will rarely open. A few do this on principle (guys should approach), but I sense that many simply overvalue themselves and believe that any man should contact her by virtue of her high expectations.

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