You know the story: you meet a girl who just seems a bit above the rest. The more you talk to her, the more you’d like to get to know her Just when you begin to imagine a solid future between the two of you, you hear these words:
“So, I told that to my boyfriend, and…”
How do you respond to the subtlety of information casually wrapped into conversation? Do you sulk on the spot as your fantasy falls away? Do you soldier on as if you never heard it? Is it time to pull out your pua line and invite the unseen boyfriend to cook you two breakfast?
Your Mindset Governs Your Response
Perhaps it’s not often that the stars align and you find yourself in good conversation with a promising woman. Or so it seems. The truth of the matter is that there are a number of women who can make you just as happy as this one.
So why do we insist on pushing through with this single target? Because you have a mindset based in scarcity. You believe that this may be “the one” or that you just may never find another like her. You won’t let it go because you have become invested in her, and unknowingly part of your happiness depends on attaining her.
The Response from an Abundance Mindset
So how does one with a mindset grounded in abundance respond to the new information?
“So…do you have any cute single friends?”
I cannot deny the efficacy of this statement. It’s a subtle disqualification that shows her that she doesn’t hold all the cards. It gives her a way to play matchmaker (a woman’s favorite game, mind you). It gives you a whole host of options that you were too blind to notice beforehand.
Note: When using this line, I’m presupposing there’s decent chemistry between the two of you. If she’s saying “I have a boyfriend” to avoid you, you’ll have no luck with her friends. The discerning of you will tell.
What’s your purpose?
What’s the reason you get up every morning?
What’s your “why?”
What is your greater mission in life?
We were created with a mission, a will, a drive to move the world in progressive directions. Unfortunately, this drive has been sapped by the forces which will have you believe that finding a relationship is your highest goal in life and tell you that you’re not enough. Each of us is constantly being distracted to live vicariously through the lens of fictional television characters. While I believe entertainment has its place in our lives, you must see the bigger picture: do you think the men and women you’re watching got where they are by sitting around and watching others?
There is nothing more important than your mission, as far as activity goes. The importance covers your self-growth, your relationships, and the world around you. As a unique individual, you have certain skills, traits, and visions that no one else has. Don’t waste your talent doubting your importance to the system. Get up and do something. You’re capable. You’re important.
From here on out, your goal is simple. You are to focus on what your mission is, and all of your thoughts and energy should be directed towards it. If you don’t have the slightest clue on where to start, begin by making it your goal to find your mission. This isn’t boring; you’ll be doing something you love, or something you’re good at. This isn’t useless; the world’s progression is depending on you.
No excuses. You truly have better things to do.
The age-old question has reared its ugly head again, this time by way of a thorough survey.
Now instead of simply dumping the numbers on here, let’s take them piece by piece to uncover the relevant implications:
- 44% of men said they would stop dating a woman who never pays: And for good reason. Simply put, you should not incur a substantial debt towards a potential partner if they are not willing to show any reciprocal investment. I read “never pays” to encompass more than money. The true meaning boils down to the man’s expectations being left unfulfilled. Perhaps you should be more firm in what you want, and invest less. Your time and attention is more valuable than your actual currency.
- 64% of men believed women should contribute to dating expenses: Yes, things have changed, as the study discusses. However, biological gender roles remain the same. I advocate paying for an outing, albeit from a position of strength. Afterall, the boss pays. Then again, the “dates” that I advocate are generally free and allow you to do what you should be doing: spending time with and evaluating her.
- 57% of women said they offer to pay but 39% admitted they hoped the man wouldn’t accept: Despite true intentions, offering is a classy move. At best, it shows that she’s willing to bring her share to the proverbial table. At the median, it shows that she cares enough about what you think. At worst, she’s not into you and doesn’t want you to leave the restaurant expecting something for your payment.
- In any case, 76% of men said they felt guilty about accepting women’s money: The guilt, as the study mentions, comes from the social pressure every man faces, whether it means paying for dinner or drinks. But that guilt simply doesn’t match up well with the reality that women are now making just as much, if not more, than the men they are seeing.
The reason men feel guilty about letting women chip in for the date is because they’ve been taught they should pay. However men have also been taught that men and women should have egalitarian partnerships, so costs should be shared.
Don’t be a sucker. This means don’t accept someone else’s rules about paying for dates if you’re not comfortable with it. Also don’t accept any notion of an egalitarian relationship if it doesn’t sit well with you. If you feel like you should lead your relationship, be upfront and unashamed about it. If she doesn’t agree with you, find someone who does. Let go of your desperation; they’re out there, trust me.
If you’ve found yourself on this blog more than once, chances are you’ve been exposed to game concepts, be it from here (albeit rarely) or from other writers. You probably also know these topics are not mainstream, and exposure to an unsophisticated (some call it “blue pill”) audience will likely end in a firestorm.
That’s exactly what happened when former University of Texas Student Body President Thor Lund decided to summarize his game “transformation” on his blog. The criticism, in the forms of a few response articles and comments, was harsh, swift, and sharp. The typical buzzwords such as “misogynistic,” “douchebag,” “privileged,” and “sexist” were used like they were going out of style. According to Lund, the hate mail and threats continue to pour in to his personal email.
After reading the blog post, I had to re-read it to see if I missed anything particularly outrageous. Was there anything that he wrote that merits the vitriol that it received? Let’s look at a few parts here:
Girls are lying all day long. They lie about their feelings, their weight, how much cardio they did, and what they think of their best friends oversized purse. But at the end of the day, when I get a girl back to my place, she will tell the truth.
So far, nothing out of the ordinary for the “red-pill” thinker. Claiming women lie? I can’t imagine many people his age who would take this info without a hint of defensiveness.
Women are counterintuitive. That is on purpose. If you could logically attract a woman, then all the engineers would win and our society would be wimpy… So the best way to think about women and how to get them to be attracted to you is to do the exact opposite of what you think. If you really like her, tell her you can’t stand her.
Teasing. Being a challenge. Emotional engagement. Does it work? Yes. Is this new and revolutionary (for you, at least)? Not in the least.
When you start treating one girl like she is special you will lose her. Women are special as a whole, but individually they are not, except for your sisters and mom and wife. Those ones are special. But regular girls at college and the bars, they aren’t special. Newsflash for everyone who is so in love with the first girl they met. I can find one hundred million girls that look just like her but speak two languages.
Can anyone disagree that placing a person on a pedestal for being of a certain gender and/or hitting the genetic lottery is preposterous?
I tried to be a nice boy, it doesn’t work. Girls hate nice clingy boys who do everything they want. It doesn’t make sense but that is how it is
What Mr. Lund will soon learn is that It makes perfect sense: what woman would want a man who will give away his attention at the drop of a hat? If he’ll do it for you, he’ll do it for anyone, all to satisfy his craving for female attention. Quite a weakness.
Notice all of these questions are open ended except the last one. That is because it gives her a chance to talk while you try not to barf. To be honest, I usually only make it to like the second one before I’m not paying attention to what she is saying and by question three I have transitioned to “Are you trying to get out of here?”
Not listening to a woman at the bar? Douchey. Using questions to take advantage of her? Sexist. I could almost hear the incantations of disgust from readers. The Tucker Max-esque delivery didn’t exactly help his case. But again, does it surprise anyone that people go to bars to hook up?
Overall, his blog post read like a former nice guy who is blown away by the counter-intuitiveness of attraction and begins to identify with the typical bad-boy image that guys new to game encounter. Outside of my personal objection to the hedonistic framework he constructed, I simply cannot locate a piece that is misogynistic or warranting of a death threat.
The Real Problem
The real issue that lies underneath the name-calling is two-fold: the destruction of the pedestal and the demonization of male sexuality. I cannot help but think if the genders in this story were flipped. Does a woman who writes about her sexual exploits or how to attract men hate them? Would she be accused of objectifying them solely for pleasure or comfort? Anyone who questions her choice to bed multiple men will be accused of slut-shaming. Yet a man who wants to join the hook-up game is shamed for having the exact same desires.
Perhaps the writing did not come in such good taste. That tends to be the case with the ugly truth. It’s hard to think that if he wrote it any cleaner, there wouldn’t be the same amount of outrage. Even worse is that he seemed to forget that he was just recently the student president of a large university in the liberal hub of America.
He could have used better judgment in avoiding the message of game altogether, especially for his audience. He wasn’t ready to fully own the identity, and now he, along with other male readers, may be shying away from the principles that he espoused. But while the episodes of shame and outrage continue, I suspect there will be a couple of men who will fall through the cracks and see things differently for a change.
A day doesn’t go by without seeing the same search terms and the same inquiries about what to do in a particular situation. But most of these situations are not elaborate or complex; rather they look like petitions to abdicate one’s responsibility and have another man find the answers for them.
Truth is, you don’t need a blog to tell you what is the most “alpha” thing to do in every conceivable situation. You don’t need a thousand articles to tell you how to become more confident or to how to be a man. You don’t need to ask how long you should wait to answer a text.
The only thing you need is to go out and live. Learn from watching others, analyze, jump in and try yourself, then analyze again.
As for the “Experts?” They’re no smarter than you are. They don’t have anything you don’t. The only difference is they did something that you didn’t: stopped and questioned; discerned and analyzed; formulated and expressed.
So turn off this blog. Live your life, experience more, and give what you can in love to the world. You can read it later.
what does it [Demonstrating Higher Value] particularly mean? If possible, give some examples
Demonstrating value is essentially how you present yourself status-wise. This is important because girls typically opt for the higher status man. It’s a pickup term whose importance likely evolved after a pattern of women leaving men of lower status for better suitors was recognized.
Demonstrating higher value in pick-up is told by telling stories about yourself, showing how cool you are or talking about your plans and lifestyle. I personally think the concept of telling a girl how cool you are is ineffective, because women can sniff out a low-status man trying to look better in front of her and impress her.
The best way to demonstrate higher value is to actually BE a higher value man. Learn a new language, pick up an instrument, travel to somewhere you’ve never been, expand your reading/vocabulary, etc. Just get out of your comfort zone and challenge yourself while you increase your knowledge, intelligence, and overall confidence. Within a minute of speaking to you, a person will realize that you are indeed high value.
Quick Aside: I understand there are men who are high value yet ultimately fail at dating and relationships. You can separate yourself from this crowd by coming from a place of self-acceptance. In other words, you’re not challenging yourself to become high value; you’re living an exciting life because you already believe you are a person of worth. That said, it’s important you don’t prioritize anyone’s perception of you above your own perceptions and beliefs.
Move from the outside in, and from the inside out. Just be aware that you’re already there.
I’m vaguely familiar with Brent Smith, but I was impressed by this video that was sent to me this week. Although titled “How to Approach Women Powerfully,” the clip alludes to a deeper focus on lifestyle improvement. A summary of the video, along with commentary, is below:
1) Approach from a place of value: The focus should be on giving, not getting. In an approach, you shouldn’t ask yourself “Can I get her number?” Instead, ask yourself “How can I add value/inspire this person?” Emphasizing what you have to offer will eliminate your anxiety and enrich the experiences of others around you.
2) Stop Giving out Compliments: While genuine, they put you right in the category of every other guy who has been trying to “get.” I agree with this to the extent we’re talking about random compliments based on physical appearance. If she says or does something you like, feel free to praise her personality.
3) Don’t Ask for Her number; Give yours out instead: This is a piece of advice that I tend to agree with, and due to conventional wisdom and pua nonsense, I understand I’m in the minority. I don’t believe in it as a blanket rule, though. You have to calibrate between those girls who would prefer you initiate contact and those who are essentially pulling out their phones to get your number (the latter will typically text you their name right after. Take the hint).
What Brent is saying here, however, does not show a problem with asking for her number. Instead, he takes issue for getting the number for the number’s sake. I could not agree more. The contact information should be used for a further meeting or plan. The “shoot me a text” phrase appears solid.
4) Let them be interested in you: Give a woman space to become interested. Trying to get her to like you just gets in the way, making you come off as desperate. Guess what happens? The spark leaves.
5) Stop going out on dates: This is my only point of disagreement. Brent may have an argument that the traditional girl that wants to go on dates is a thing of the past, but the point on the whole is filled with generalizations. There are women who are traditional, and there are men who are looking for more than just to hook up with as many women as possible. Thus, spending time with a woman is merited.
Note how I said “spending time” and not “date.” A date is something you do with a girlfriend. Keep your meet-ups light, fun, and low-key.