3 Keys to Strengthen Your Affirmations

BadgerHut has discovered his own fail-proof mechanism for affirmations. Certain readers may have the criticism of traditional affirmations. One such criticism is the following:

“As a rational, logical person, trying to tell myself I am something I am not is impossible.”

My Response:

So who told you who you were not? How do you know you are not that person buried under thoughts? I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt on knowing yourself (I’d be pretentious not to), but the question is whose standards are you using to determine confidence/coolness/etc?

The reason why seemingly “false” affirmations don’t work is because they come without feeling. If one just repeats a phrase to himself “I am confident and good looking” then they are predisposed to view it as a contrary, false view.

On the other hand, if one visualizes himself like so and gathers the requisite feelings he would feel in the state he is affirming, then the way he looks at himself will change, and reality will follow.

I’m not a fan of doing affirmations for results though. It’s best to do them with the purpose of feeling better, so you know that your happiness is still truly within your control.

—

I should expound on 3 key points that will boost your understanding of affirmations, as well as their utility for you:

1) You have the power to control your reality, and thus, your happiness.

We make the mistake of letting our world dictate our thoughts, which then dictates our feelings, and recycles into an endless pattern of “the universe hates me.”

A more productive view is to take control of your thoughts, and see reality as you would like to. Jake from dating in the zone played with this idea when girls would always quickly turn their heads away when looking at him. He changed his judgment from “Those girls are out of my league” to “I’m so valuable that these girls are trying to reject me before I can reject them!” His feelings became positive, and his reality subsequently changed.

Your mind is a powerful tool. You have the power to turn negative judgments into positive ones, and thus control your own happiness.

2) Feel your affirmation as if it is presently true.

What if you told yourself before a big game that you were a champion? Would it make a difference, no matter how many times you repeated it?

Now what if you pictured yourself winning the game? You picture how you feel celebrating, accomplishing a great feat, and finally lifting the trophy. This is the clear difference between tricking yourself and believing in yourself. Instead of “becoming” what you tell yourself you are, you can simply “be” by capturing all the necessary emotions that you would have if it were true in the present.

3) Your goal is to feel good, not to gain results.

Undoubtedly, affirmations have value for changing your reality, as noted above. However, do not fall into the trap of “once I become X [whatever it is you are affirming], then I will be happy.” Looking for results is still needy. Your goal is simply to change your feelings. Once you get to that point where you can control your happiness, results should not matter because you’re not longer dependent on them for good emotions. Sounds paradoxical, but I’m glad to discuss this further if it needs any clarification.

 

Take Courage

PG

Eliminate These Phrases From Your Vocabulary

Below is a list of 5 phrases that must be dropped from your vocabulary, followed by a list of suggested substitutes. Note that some of these unhelpful phrases may either be an expression of a poor mindset, or it may in turn negatively impact an existing mindset.

1. “I don’t know, what do you want to do?”

Substitute Phrase/Mindset: Have a plan. Know what you want. If you’re on a date, then take the lead-say what you should do and go from there. If you’re with your buddies, then voice your wants, or at least make suggestions-just don’t be a douche about it.

2. “I can’t”

Substitute Phrase/Mindset: If it’s something you don’t want to do: “I won’t” “I don’t want to”

If it’s a task you think is tough: “I can handle this” or better yet: “Will I?”

Logical/obvious impracticability: “I am unable to”

3. “I’m not ____ (tall/rich/handsome/cool/etc.) Enough”

Substitute Phrase/Mindset: “I am Enough” – You are complete, in this moment, and no amount of height, money, or social approval can change that.

4. “I’ll Try”

Substitute Phrase/Mindset: ”I will”. Recall here that it’s your act, not the result that matters. Trying leaves room for failure, while the very act of “doing” and taking action is a success in and of itself.

5. “I want to become more X”

Substitute Phrase/Mindset: “I am X”

2 points on this one:

1) When you focus on ‘being’ instead of ‘becoming,’ you have implicitly affirmed your completeness. Try this for whatever you are trying to reach. When you take on the mindset of ‘being,’ you’ll be surprised how effortlessly your actions follow that belief. Try it out and let me know.

2) Self-Acceptance is key. Learning to love and accept yourself completely and in this moment will do more for your emotional freedom than beating yourself up and telling yourself how much you need to improve. Whatever improvement you need (weight loss, improved work ethic, etc). will be achieved out of a healthy love for yourself. Focusing on improvement has the risk of making you feel inadequate until you improve whatever it is you want to improve.

Bottom Line:

-Praise yourself. Turn those negative voices into positive ones. Be the source of your own happiness and validation. Finally, know yourself, believe in yourself, and lead.

Take Courage

PG

Outcome Independence

From user handle YaReally:

I can’t control whether a girl likes me or not. But I can control whether I take action and approach her.

Will I base my worth, confidence, value, state, self-esteem, etc. on the reaction I get? No, that would be silly. I’ll base it on whether I took action or not.

Outcome independance: I’ll approach, because it’s important to me to take action. But if she doesn’t like me, that’s alright…and the fact that that’s alright is why she likes me. [Emphasis Mine]

 

This quote essentially ties up the loose ends of understanding outcome independence. The user obviously wrote the comment in the context of approaching women.

 

Note, however, that outcome independence easily translates to other areas of your life. Have you been trying to control how people react to you? How about trying to control the job you get, or the result you get in any type of competition? If so, you may be caught in a cycle that looks something like this:

 

::Strict Focus on Outcome -> Fear of Failure -> Failure to Take Action -> Undesirable Result -> Confidence Plummets::

 

If your focus is on the outcome, your fear of screwing it up may inhibit you from even starting. This is why you need to drop your outcome-based goals and develop action-based goals. Creating action-based goals following through with them, regardless of outcome, is the key to rock-solid confidence.

 

As the poster said, it is more important to take action and approach than to focus on whether or not she likes you. Likewise, do you have a goal for gaining muscle? Create action focused goals of lifting a certain amount of times a week and follow through with them. Want to lose a certain amount of weight? Drop the focus on the target number and instead develop goals of regular exercise and healthy eating.

In the larger picture, the outcome does not matter. What matters is that you have taken control of your life. Right now, write out 5 outcome-based goals that you may have and convert them into action-focused goals. Once you do that, be sure that you follow through with them.

 

Gaining solid confidence and creating a life of action is a greater benefit than any outcome you may focus on.

 

The Seasoned Golddigger

“Are you gonna pay for it?” Asked the bartender, referring to the row of shots lined up behind me.

Just minutes prior, I was enjoying the company of my buddies, my back leaned against the bar, when a younger-looking girl in a red top caught my eye and almost immediately darted in my direction. She stopped a few inches in front of me, gesturing with her hand that I make way for her at the bar. I slightly shook my head, and she saw this as an opening to introduce herself.

 

What followed was an incoherent verbal exchange, laden with periods of long pauses, strong eye contact, and her right hand tightly grabbing the side of my sweater. She told me about her city, her college (which is one town over), and she briefly mentioned her older boyfriend, who she said “doesn’t matter.” Now it was time for her to maneuver herself towards the bar.

 

“What do you want?” She intonated over the music.

 

“I’m not drinking tonight,” I assured her.

 

She proceeded to verify her order with the gentleman behind the bar while making a determined effort to text someone on her phone, and I swiveled my head over to where my buddies were. Shortly after, two other girls appeared out of nowhere. They were her friends, and they came to collect their shots, which were handed over to them as they made their introductions to my group.

 

Then came the bartender’s inquiry of who was going to foot the bill. I turned only to see miss red top pointing her finger at me while suspiciously avoiding eye contact. I nearly laughed out of astonishment, and the bartender immediately caught on to the situation, itching to see how I would resolve it.

 

My declaration of “I’m not paying for it,” was matched by a feigned look of disbelief coupled with a judgment of my character. I then calmly looked the young lady in the eyes: “Get out your wallet and pay for it,” and turned my head away again (although not consciously used, this move creates an expectation, letting the other party know your request is not up for discussion).

 

“Fine, I’ve got it” she disappointingly relayed to the bartender, and handed over her card.

—

If you take any lesson at all out of this account, I hope it would be that you remember to have some self-respect. Perhaps you think that providing shots for a stranger and all her friends is no big deal. I would agree with you (if you have the money), however there is a big difference when you decide to give and when others develop an expectation that you somehow owe them. These expectations belong to society and entitled individuals. If you ever feel any kind of pressure from these unreasonable expectations, stop and realize them for what they are, then make your own decisions.

You set your own rules and expectations. Take control and make your own decisions.

Your Thoughts on You

Take a moment to step outside of your current first-person perspective, and put yourself in the shoes of a neutral observer. Now ask yourself a few straightforward questions, and give an honest answer:

What do you think about yourself?

Do you find yourself attractive (by your personal standards)? Do you possess the (inner) qualities that you so desire in other people?

 

Are you interesting? Would you choose to spend time with ‘you’ over some other girl/guy?

If so, what makes you so? What qualities do you see in ‘you?’ What makes ‘you’ stand out from everyone else you have seen today?

 

Do you trust ‘you?’ Would you feel safe going on a spontaneous, one-on-one adventure with yourself?

 

Are you a giver or a taker? Are you a genuinely good person?

 

Are you the type of person that you would want in your life?

 

—-

This is no self-esteem personality test. Rather it’s a way to allow you to become self-aware of this person which you are directing day-in and day-out. This entity is undoubtedly the most important person you know, and you may or may not have realized it. Thus, it’s vital to pay attention to them, and it may take an honest, neutral assessment to do just that.

If you don’t find yourself attractive or worth anyone’s time, then why should anyone else? If you don’t have a healthy sense of confidence in yourself and your decisions, then why should anyone follow you? Truth be told, the way we see ourselves is likely the way others see us.

 

If you answered anything less than a ‘yes’ for the final question, then my question to you is: what are you going to do about it?

 

My suggestion is to become the person that you wish to be. That may begin by consciously renewing your thoughts about yourself. Make a point to change your mind and start to see yourself in a positive light. If it helps, tell yourself these positive messages out loud. This isn’t a fraud or some pseudo-confidence. After all, you are FULL of value. You possess skills, talents, and interests that others don’t. Also, once you realize it, you’re only as attractive as you think you are.

 

So, what do you really think? Feel free to answer how you see yourself. I’m looking forward to hearing about a transformation.

 

PG

 

 

 

 

 

Living From Completeness

Are you living for fulfillment or are you living from fulfillment?

 

Do you act and struggle in order to find what you’re missing, in order to complete yourself?

Or do you recognize that in this moment, you are complete, and choose to live your life out of said completeness?

 

Though seemingly nuanced, these are two completely different ways of living one’s life. I am reminded of this quote from Sun-Tzu:

“Every battle is won or lost before it is ever fought.”

I take this quote to highlight the differences of fighting for victory and fighting from victory. One who sees victory before the battle begins will experience it. He is not looking for victory, but rather he is victorious, which leads him to act like so.

 

On the other hand, we have an individual who does not see his wholeness and looks to fulfill himself. He gets up every day and works tirelessly for money to add material possessions to his life. At night, he goes to the bar in search of a woman who will complete him and become his world. No matter how much money he makes or women he sleeps with, he never finds fulfillment. He believes the myth that accomplishment can derive from outside of himself.

 

How do you think you would act if you came from these two different mindsets? It’s likely that your outlook, your motivations, and your very subconscious body language would change. I challenge you to take the next week to live a life of abundance. Live with the knowledge that you are fulfilled from within, accepting your completeness and wholeness in this moment, and knowing that nothing external can add to what you ever thought you were missing.

If this mindset is incomprehensible at this point, then work in small steps towards a fulfilled mentality by analyzing what you think you’re missing and giving it to yourself. For example, if you work hard to acquire material possessions and women, you may find that what they represent for you is validation (from others realizing your ‘success’ with money and women). If this is the case, begin to validate yourself at the beginning and end of every day, not based on anything external, but just because you are who you are.

 

Don’t confuse this for faking it. The mindset that we aim for here is the truth, and we have been robbed of this truth at our own expense. It’s time to re-take this mindset of abundance and live out your life from, not for, your personal fulfillment.

 

 

Handling Disrespect

From AlphaPersona’s site:

Hey alpha,

I’m not sure if you’ve covered anything about handling disrespect from peers, especially coming from friends in social situations. It’s a problem i’ve been having lately and I’m never sure if I should just laugh it off with them or take it serious. Most of the time I just laugh it off and don’t think of it much. However, lately i’m getting gunned by my buddies a lot and aren’t sure on how to handle it.

Cheers.

It seems this individual, still somewhat unsure of himself, has recently begun to try to get his stuff together and gain confidence in social siutations. He’s becoming annoyed by the antics of his friends and would like them to stop, yet he does not know how to communicate that to them. Truth be told, a lack of effective communication is at the core of issues like these.

First off, if the disrespectful conduct of someone annoys you, then be honest. Trying to look tough or laugh along will only make the situation worse.

Here, it’s best to confront (not aggressively, but assertively) your buddy by pulling him to the side and letting him know 1) what’s going on (comments are crossing the line) 2) How it affects you (let him know it’s bothering you) 3) What needs to happen (he has to stop disrespecting you). For instance, you can pull a buddy aside and in a gentle yet firm manner, tell him something like this:

Hey man, don’t mean to over-dramatize this, but your comments have really been crossing the line lately. I know you’re joking, but I feel disrespected. Just try to watch what you say from now on.  

Really, it’s no big deal. The key here is to have complete communication which gets across the situation, your feelings about it, and what you want to happen. No need to memorize the above example, since it’s just that: an example. The more candid and fluid you are, you’ll be perceived as genuine and your communication will most likely be effective. Make it a point to practice this type of communication in any situation.

If the Problem Persists

If after you’ve talked to this individual, and he repeatedly pushes you (or goes even further than before), then you have a few options:

Call him on it: This time, publicly. Depending on the severity of the incident, let him know on the spot that he’s being disrespectful and demand he put an end to it.

Stop associating with them (recommended): As one commenter aptly noted, one in this situation should really re-evaluate his friendships. Truth is, relationships are critical for us as humans. Your friends are either adding to you or subtracting from you. If the latter is the case, you need to replace them.

 

Lastly, Respect yourself. You provide the best example of respect from yourself, and those who see you will likely follow suit in your own behavior.

 

PG