“Hey, I’m going to my buddy’s open mic tonight. You and your roommate should come.”
It was a standard invitation for an ordinary circumstance. Days prior, we had met in a downtown setting. The usual chit-chat escalated to her heightened interest in our few commonalities. Unsure of her chance to strike, she moved her phone from her purse to her fingers, opening the dialpad. A break in conversation allowed her the opportunity:
“What’s your number?” She timidly asked.
I punched my number in, lacking any real enthusiasm in my mind. I wasn’t particularly interested, but a new ‘friend’ couldn’t hurt. Perhaps even a double date with her (cuter, inebriated) roommate wouldn’t hurt either, considering my colleague was chatting her up just a few feet away.
Well, that was that. Then Tuesday happens.
My aforementioned colleague was set to star in his open mic slot. Not the most imaginative setting, but it would get both out of the house and afford the aspiring musician a hint of limelight in front of his hopeful.
So I send the invite out, only to receive a message from my friend just an hour later:
“No go tonight. My voice needs more time.”
And here’s the quandary: Do I cancel? Do I reschedule, shifting the venue to a new spot? Do I apologize profusely, or make up a lie?
Simpler: I do nothing.
I decide not to cancel (after all, I had received no confirmation). I decide not to show in lieu of other activities. I simply went on with my day as normal. I then received a midnight message:
“My bad I didn’t text you back! How was it?”
First ‘flake’ is out of the way. Let the real game begin.
[Since then, the thread has been reopened. She has invited me out twice, though I had prior engagements. The point is moot now, since my friend eventually got her roommate out one-on-one. She was too square for him.]
Some might take this move to be a solid pick-up tactic. Others may find it to be risky or inconsiderate. I call it an astute judgment made in light of the circumstances.
I flaked on my own date. And so did she.
Progressive feminist atheist (did you get all that) blogger wants to tell you why you shouldn’t tell random women on the street that they’re hot.
“It seems that men are finally starting to realize that many women do not like street harassment (or, in the parlance of the uninitiated, “unsolicited compliments about a stranger’s appearance”). This is really great and a sign that activists are doing a good job.”
Clear as day: if you give a stranger an unsolicited compliment, you are a harasser.
“So as nice as it would be if all that could be solved by noble, kind-hearted men taking valuable time out of their day to compliment female passerby on their appearance, that’s not gonna happen. Women don’t need men [emphasis mine] to save us from insecurity. We need to stand up and speak out ourselves against the ways in which our culture keeps us fearful and insecure, and the ways in which we help it to do so.”
This sounds like a score for the Strong and Independent™ crowd.
What the author fails to note, however, is the fact that an aptly-spoken compliment might just brighten (or make) someone’s day. It’s encouraging to validate each other, not because we’re dependent on compliments, but because we recognize each other’s completeness.
“That’s also why when a woman wears revealing clothes, it’s okay, in our society, to assume that she’s “looking for attention” or that she’s a slut and wants to sleep with a bunch of guys. Because why elsewould a woman wear revealing clothes if not for the benefit of men and to communicate her sexual availability to them, right?”
I agree with the obvious truth: A woman who wears revealing clothes is not automatically looking for the nearest man to jump their bones.
However, for the sake of honesty, is the author willing to concede that there are some women who do have a dominant motive to look for attention and communicate sexual availability?
Usually, there are two camps: men who say “women are just dressing this way for attention!” and women who cannot fathom what they are doing. Both sides are incorrect in making such absolutes, and a specific percentage is up to a debate that I won’t partake in.
“The result of all this is that many men, even kind and well-meaning men, believe, however subconsciously, that women’s bodies are for them. They are for them to look at, for them to pass judgment on, for them to bless with a compliment if they deign to do so. They are not for women to enjoy, take pride in, love, accept, explore, show off, or hide as they please.”
This is an obvious stretch. Passing by a woman and celebrating her beauty do not equate to an ownership/judgmental mentality that the author so claims.
However, assume that she’s correct in her assessment. Does this entitlement attitude cross gender barriers into the strength of a man? Is it possible that an unknown woman who asks me to lift a heavy object or fix the car for her believes that a man’s physical power is hers when she finds convenient? Can she hide it when she wants?
Perhaps our generation suffers from an entitlement problem altogether. If the author realizes such, then a man giving a stranger a compliment is more so a symptom, rather than a significant problem requiring tireless work of anti-harassment activists.
“When you compliment a random woman who doesn’t know you, no matter how nice you are about it, there’s a good chance she’s going to freak out internally because for all she knows, you could be that latter type.
“But if you’re going to lay the blame for that somewhere, don’t blame the woman.”
This last paragraph sums up the attitude of the writer quite well: I will tell you men what not to do, I will tell women what they should and should not like (as if they’re all the same), and I will hold you men responsible for all actions and resulting consequences, including her feelings.
When it comes to articles like these, I will also hold you men responsible for one thing: believing it. The frustrated, confused, good man will go away from this believing he has been a harasser all hi life for giving unsolicited compliments, and he will feel the need to apologize to ALL women on account of perpetuating this rape culture.
He will experience an even deeper sense of confusion when he stumbles upon an article that encourages him to compliment women he doesn’t know. After all, he has soaked up every free thought (no pun intended) without carefully considering the truth of the matter, or the author’s integrity.
Is there a real problem with unsolicited compliments?
Perhaps, depending on your motive. A drive by, detail-oriented line of praise is likely to be appreciated. A random “you’re hot” is no different from what she may hear every day, and it will likely be more of an annoyance.
The real “problem,” if any, comes with one question: what do I want out of this interaction? If you want to tell a woman she’s beautiful because you’re needy and you hope it will get you somewhere with her, you should rethink your efforts.
Yes, it’s fine to compliment a woman if you ultimately wish to speak to her. Just be sure to introduce yourself after. Also note that a compliment given right away should be genuine. You are, afterall, giving a piece of praise as a separate transaction.
Lastly, don’t give your attention away like valueless currency. Reserve the best compliments for attitude and personality, once you get to know her.
I’d love to hear your thoughts.
PG
“Although I can neither change the way things are nor hope that I will be rewarded, I must continue to live and act with the calm confidence that I am a necessary component of an infinitely greater and more important whole.”
“Foolish and wretched is the man who builds his happiness on the frail and unstable affection of a woman.”
-Leland
No, women aren’t evil. Just a friendly reminder that happiness comes from within.
PG
If you read this blog, you may have noticed a theme to increase confidence in your inner self. In doing so, I realized the blog has neglected any mention of the body: health, body image, etc. I’ll attempt to do just that in the following lines as well as in future posts. The focus here will be on the issue of weight training*.
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*Quick Note: To avoid running the risk of sounding like a salesman, let me be clear that the programs I’m going to offer below are mere suggestions/starting points that I have personally tried. If you have another routine, or would like to develop one for yourself, you have my support.
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The Benefits of weight lifting
Why lift weights? Perhaps even the word ‘weights’ seems to conflict with any goal you may have. Contrary to popular belief, weight lifting is not just for body builders. The average person can obtain the following benefits from weight training:
- Increased Strength
- Pleasure/Stress Relief (release of endorphins)
- Boost in testosterone
- Improved physique & posture
- Better overall health
These items are just a few off the top of my head. A few of the benefits may be incidental to one’s goals. Yet, in discussing this topic with men, the two dominant reasons for wanting to lift weights come from Physique (Body Image) and Increased Strength (Physical Power).
Increased Strength
A strength program looks a bit different than the conventional wisdom you see in gyms and overhear by mildly experienced lifters. The central tenets are compound exercises (squat/bench/deadlifts), heavy weights, and lower reps.
If strength gain is your focus, then you would be served by a program like Starting Strength by Mark Rippetoe. The program focuses on the aforementioned barbell exercises (which are often neglected) in an easy-to-follow regimen. You won’t walk around a gym wondering what machine to go to next. You’ll know exactly what to do, and know you’ll be making progress each time.
The book seems pricey, but it’s worth it. Nonetheless, you can find an online wiki with the same information for free, or you can experiment with other similar programs, which are also free.
Increased Body Image
Perhaps you’re not concerned with strength, and you would a better physique. There’s nothing wrong with that. Improving your image is a great way to boost outer confidence.
I found It hard to lock down a physique program that actually delivers results or isn’t too complicated. I stumbled upon The Hollywood Physique by Clay Rogers. My doubts were removed upon seeing my share of solid transformations.
I’m currently giving it a go, and I can vouch for not only the theory, but also the ease. It’s a pretty solid program which offers guidelines down to the letter in terms of exercising and dieting. For a detailed review, Victor Pride’s blog gives a solid look.
Again, we’re not dealing with a free program. Nonetheless, my focus in getting into it was just finding a reputable program that works. It also helped that Clay was honest off the bat and has made himself available for any questions. If anyone is interested, I’ll keep an update log of how the program is working.
Conclusion
If you’ve taken anything out of this review, you should note the importance of physical health and self-image in addition to your inner game. Recall that the programs here are merely guidelines for those looking for a change. Also remember that any changes you make would be best from a position of self-acceptance as opposed to one of self-loathing. No matter what route you take to get towards your goal, I’d be glad to hear about it.
PG
A user on a popular forum lamented the fact that relationships are so imbalanced. ‘DB’ from Raleigh decided to give his take on the matter. The following is a bare-bones outline of his exeprience, and his advice going forward:
As far as dating goes, it usually takes getting crapped on for your wussified mistakes before you learn not to do so much for a woman. Been there done that. I got used hard by my ex-wife. The details would make your jaw drop to the floor.
Whoever said “experience is the best teacher” was only half right. It’s other people’s experience that is the best teacher. Thus, you should spend a great deal in observation, learning from the mistakes of others, and listening to guys like this.
I now know much better. I don’t do ANY of the bend over backwards stuff I used to do for women in my 20s (which was mostly with my ex-wife). I do 90% less of the overt romantic gestures and you know what? The women I’ve been with love me no less.
The same misguided narrative is given in movies, commercials, and circles of acquaintances. If you’ve believed it, then that’s why it may seem a surprise that a woman can actually be attracted to who you are and not what you do.
Do not chase a woman. It has to be a mutual chase if you want to start things off on the right foot.
This is as sound as it gets. Relationships take two. It’s not one person serving the other. If you currently find yourself chasing an entitled person with no interest, then leave. It doesn’t help in the long run.
What a woman says she wants is almost never what she actually wants.
Sky is blue, water wet, etc.
A date is something you do with an actual girlfriend. The first 2-3 months you’re just catching some drinks together (splitting the bill or taking turns paying) or hanging out. Date? GTFO here. That sounds waaaay too formal and waaaay too much what I used to do right away.
And here’s the main takeaway. Many guys are trapped in this rigid yet frustrating cycle that looks like this:
::Approach > Get Number > Ask on dinner date > Convince her for second date with behaviour > Ask on second date::
Yet, how often does this pattern result in a fruitful relationship? Might be time to change the cycle.
If you’re overly formal (like listed here), chances are you’re putting too much pressure early on. It’s all about spending time with her. You’re getting to know her as a person, not to convince her to be your life partner in under an hour.
And she isn’t your girlfriend the first few months. If you call her that in less than a month, I suggest re-evaluating your self worth.
This. Be a little more selective and don’t settle just because there’s interest.
Sure, relationships can be imbalanced. But the question remains: what might you be doing to establish such inequality? Like any advice, take what you will. Just know it may be best to question the cycle itself.
PG
Have a plan. For your life. On a date. In your work. None of this “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” or “Whatever is cool” business.
Sure, plans can fall apart. That’s no reason to fear making one. Just adapt accordingly.
Of course, planning presupposes that you have an aim in mind. You probably do. The key is to be honest with yourself. Are you trying to do your best work on your task, or are you trying to please everyone? Are you trying to make a real connection with a woman, or are you looking to assuage your fear of being alone?
Once your honest, you can change these purposes for more productive ones. With your new purpose in mind, you then develop a plan, and act accordingly. If you went from “get her to not be alone” to “get to know her,” you might just spend less time looking up pick-up strategies and more time actually listening to her (and yourself, for that matter).
If you’ve yet to discover your long term purpose for your life, then focus on just that. Find what motivates you, what gets you up everymorning. Find your “why.” If finding your aim requires you to temporarily move around, then do so. Once again, your aim to find your purpose will yield benefits of clearer planning.
